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Zero Calorie Sex:

A Method of Sexual Intercourse with little movement and energy expenditure

As an offshoot of my "Hands Free Masturbation" invention I came up with another; Zero Calorie Sex; which is suitable for those who are not able to have sexual intercourse because of a previous heart attack. The heart has been monitored by a Relate doctor, who found that the heart beat of those that practice this invention does not go up during love making. It has also been found to be useful for those that are tired after a hard day's work. Because there is little physical movement this method is suitable for space travel in zero-gravity. To paraphrase Donovan:


If orgasm is a problem when you're out among the stars

Zero Calorie Sex will get you from here to Mars


Zero Calorie Sex is simple to master, once you have experienced "Hands Free Masturbation." One simply has to make "Hands Free" slightly more complicated. The length of the vagina, (or rectum for that matter) is simply divided into thirds, and the thirds are contracted and relaxed in turn, until orgasm is achieved. For a change, one can tighten and then relax the top of the orifice first, and work downwards, it certainly feels distinctly different. This invention was mentioned in an article in 'New Scientist' as having probably been used by NASA in space.

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